Death to the Cabbage
by Hasenpfeffer
Summary: When Light Yagami stumbles across an annoying cabbage vendor who is overly attached to his wares, he does the only logical thing he can think of. A "What the heck just happened?" fanfic. Crack short.


**A/N This is crack. People will be OOC. It is supposed to be that way. Enjoy.**

The Cabbage Merchant was having a wonderful week. Not once in the past seven days had he lost a single cabbage. It seemed that every time he had gotten his cart just full enough to start selling, all of his cabbages would be either ravaged, crushed, burned to a crisp, eaten by giant hungry bison and other assorted animals, or just generally thrown all over the ground and smashed beyond repair. However, that was not the case today. Today, he was going to finally be able to sell his precious cargo to loving, careful new owners who would hopefully treat his babies properly before eating them.

Oh, how he loved cabbage. It was his favorite food, and as such, he had decided to personally name all of the ones in his current possession, as an extra shred of luck. Crossing his fingers, he pushed his cart out into the street, and prepared to sell his wares.

On that same morning, Light Yagami was walking down the street. He was _not_ having a good week. He had many things he could complain about, but it all chalked up to him being stuck in some strange, foreign land, and having to wear the clothes of that place to blend in. Seriously, had these people ever heard of shorts? It was the middle of summer! In a dark and dangerous mood and wanting to be left alone, he sent death glares at anyone who looked at him, smirking a little in morbid satisfaction when people backed away fearfully. He had perfected that look a long time ago.

Unfortunately, one street vendor didn't catch the memo. A slim, gray-haired man running some sort of vegetable shop gazed cheerfully at him. Light glared menacingly back when the old geezer started to approach him as he passed.

"Good sir! Would you like to buy some cabbages? They are of the highest quality and fairly priced! Delicious! You look like you haven't eaten breakfast yet today, would you like to buy some?"

Light protested when he was grabbed by the arm and dragged over to the cart of leafy greens. It was true; he hadn't eaten breakfast yet that day and he _was_ hungry, but he didn't like this overly-cheerful man much, and he _despised_ cabbage. When he was younger and his grandmother was still around, every time his family went to visit she would make a revolting cabbage stew and force him and his sister to eat it. Those were bad memories, and he'd never liked cabbage since then.

Supremely annoyed, Light held his ground and nearly growled, "I do not want any of your cabbages, old man!"

"But they're special! Hand-picked from the best gardens and treated with the greatest care! Did I mention that they're not genetically modified? I even took the care to name each one! Vegetables brought up in a friendly environment naturally taste better!"

"You named them?" Light asked, the beginnings of a vile plan forming in his mind as his fingers curled around the pencil and special notebook hidden in his pocket, "What, may I ask, are their names? I have this notebook here that I can write them down in so I don't forget," he asked nicely, dropping his grumpy demeanor for a cheerful façade and pulling out his Death Note.

"Really? That is so kind! I never knew anyone cared as much as me! Except for Rob, he lives down the street from me, but he sells lettuce. Anyway, how about I introduce you to my cabbages? This is Speck, because he had a speck of dirt, and then we have Snozz, Alabaster, Chairo, Zreon, Lufty, Kimidori…" the old man prattled on, naming each and every one of his cabbages, and taking them out of the cart to show him. Eventually, the man ran out of cabbages and stood proudly in front of his wares. Light smirked, and was tempted to laugh evilly as he logged the last name in his book with a flourish.

"Thank you," he bowed to the shopkeeper, "Well, I must be going now. I have something I need to do. So long!" and with that, he stepped away from the shop, a new spring in his step as he pocketed the Death Note, having finished his instructions of demise. Behind him, he heard a traumatized scream. Evidently, the senile old man had noticed his precious cargo shriveling up into brown balls of bad, worthess leaves.

Unable to hide his mirth any longer, Light openly laughed at the old man's misery, causing people to stare in confusion.

The tragic sobs of the cabbage merchant echoed well into the night until finally, a loud shout was heard.

_"CABBAGES! I WILL AVENGE YOU!"_

**A/N This all started because I was watching Avatar: The Last Airbender and had the strong urge to do a fanfiction on the poor cabbage merchant. Seriously, the guy is one of my favorite characters in the show (Don't ask me why, I don't know) and I wanted to be nice to him for once, but when my messed up brain decided to work Light Yagami in, the prospect of being nice to Cabbage Man kind of went out the window. This was the nonsensical product. Sorry no Shinigami were in it. Feedback is nice. Hope you liked it. No, this is not being continued, unless you really want to see Cabbage Merchant force-feeding a certain Yagami cabbage stew.**


End file.
